The Double Twos.

Oh, Hello,
Hi there,
Erm, yeah.

I don't, exactly know, howwww to start this post except that it's bloody overdue, and this space has been rather quiet lately, so I might as well write a blog post, combined with bits and bobs I have been meaning to write over the course of time.

So here it goes.

It's not supposed to be profound so you might as well close the tab and get on with your life.
This is an absolutely unplanned post, it will unfold gradually, bits and pieces that I've managed to absorb, learn or experience over time, and just the crazy voices in my head that keep me sane and stupid simultaneously, you have been warned.

1) Mastering the art of NO.

      Growing up an introvert, (which i still am!) and a meek little person, it's probably one of the hardest things to do, but you gotta do what you gotta do, to survive in this wild world. Saying No to people and things is a painful ecstasy, it hurts and it feels good. It grows onto you though, and gives you a degree of control, and it's weird and now i'll just casually slip out of this point to the next one.


2) Fitting In.

      It's always easier to feel accepted and say yes to things, people and activities, but over the past couple of years and months, it's become an essential tool for survival, to let go. You see, that warm fuzzy feeling of being part of a cult makes you feel overwhelmed and wanted, but sometimes, you need to listen to that voice inside, telling you to be who you are and not give up on yourself, your values and your beliefs, because at the end of the day, you're you, not them. YOLO.

3) Embracing Self.

      You were created as an individual, as an original being, yes, you will time and again need approval, but only YOU, can do, you, BEST. And don't let anyone change that.
Kapeesh?

4) Self Criticism.
      I've learnt and grown up to hate myself, when it comes to, well, everything. I've never seen myself being good in anything that i do, like to do, or are forced to do. But over time, even though this is massively a space in progress, I've figured, for self improvement, sometimes, you just need to hold yourself from breathing down your own neck.
Easier said than done, Eh?

5) Being your own Bestie.
      Okay, so i know this sounds super weird, but it sort of works, being your own bestie is what has evolved overtime and worked for me. If i don't embrace myself for being me, who else will? And if i don't accept myself with the flaws, who will? You thought that right, learn to love yourself, your being, your existence. You're your own kind of weirdo, deal with it.

6) Let the voices rest a little.
      I have probably started to freak everybody who is reading this by now, but let's just say no flying tosses are given and i may continue, because well, i can. duh.
So, rest the voices in your head that cause nothing but anarchy, sit back, chillax.
Overthinking is a demanding, full time job.
Watch a mind numbing programme, or a Trump clip or something, and feel better about yourself. Seriously.

7) Standing up for self.
      You might feel like embracing a diva after all these years, but trust me, standing up for yourself is probably the most hardest, the most honest and the most awkward thing you'll ever do. Sometimes, you don't feel worthy enough of being appreciated by your own-self, and sometimes, you just feel waaaay too awful to state what you feel, but honestly, that feeling of standing up for yourself at times, is like no other. And maybe it does cause a near-high feeling, but the key to it, is balance. Don't be too full of yourself that the person you meet feels like punching your face, because that's a whole new debatable topic.

8) Is it over yet?
      Honestly, i can blab and think and think and blab all day long, but when it comes to writing thoughts out, it feels like words dance, and mock me with each letter typed.
Must. Not. Give. In. Must. Keep. Going.

9) When the alarm bells ring.
      Run. Run in the other direction, and run for your life, and run as far away as you can and don't give a flying monkey, because sometimes, intuition is good, and sometimes, it saves lives and sometimes, that's all you need to keep yourself sane.
Why else wold it trigger the danger alarm?
Huh? Huh?

10) Identify beings that genuinely make you smile.
      You will, by now, have faced an awful lot in life, i know i have, and it's not always big, it's those tiny achievements or discomforts, that make you feel rotten or accomplished, like conquering a thought, or a feeling, or just being able to say whats in your head at the right time, without creating a scene. And by now you've probably learned a thing or two about fellow humans, and how they're not always the best for you. Amidst all the chaos in your life, take time to appreciate the people who have been there with you through thick and thin, say a little prayer for them every now and then, remember them, and hope that you can do the same, cometh the time.

11) Smile.
      Although it's a bloody hard job to smile, especially when you resemble the Joker from the Batman series, and that's after the awful and painful teenage years with braces, Smile. Because, honestly, sometimes, that's all it takes to make someone's day, and it's all that takes to make the other person smile, and sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to know you made someone feel a tad better with your face. Ha.

12) Those who talk.
      If there's one thing that I've learned explicitly from my parents, is that if you ever find people who love talking about others, in front of you (putting the gossiping term politely), don't you ever think they won't do the same behind you. It's nice to feel accepted and part of conversations, but honestly, is it really worth talking about others when you could be using that time to go through pretty photos on instagram to get inspired? Or crushing candies and annoying fellow Facebookers with tons of requests? Really, do you?

13) Stating the obvious.
      I've always been the shy girl who hates voicing her opinions in fear of being judged by people she doesn't know, but what I've learnt over the years, is that is it really worth shutting up in fear from people who don't know you? I mean how will they ever know you if you're stuck in this cycle of fear?
Plus, the advantage of being true in your words, and being honest, is that no one can come around to accuse you of the lies you never speak. The best thing about being brutally honest is that people never know for a fact if you're just telling the truth, being sarcastic or just going with the flow and taking things in your humorous stride. Ha.

14) Know you're worth it.
      Know your worth, and never settle for less, unless Pakistan need 13 off of the last over and you really want to watch the live match. But honestly, know your worth, and never let people take advantage of you. Yes you'll feel left out, the odd one out, the outcast, the sore old thumb, but maybe that's just who you are, why fit in and dull your senses with crap that should not be bore, when you can be you?

Boast it girl, boast your confidence, boast you.
Unless you're a guy reading this then please don't, because that'll just be awkward.

15) This is boring.
      I am aware that this is now more than boring, and no one is reading this except me typing, and of course, Sarah proofreading, but hey ho. My space, my nonsense. I'll probably read this and regret in future, that is if i don't die of stress and high blood pressure beforehand.

16) Cricket and all things beautiful.
      Now lets write about things that make me smile, and just stuff on a relatively lighter note, because i do smile at times too, although it cracks and hurts my face, but it does happen, occasionally.
Watch lots of cricket, and a bit more, and wee bit more, and i'm sure by the end you'll end up with high blood pressure anyway if you support Pakistan as a nation, which i sort of do, but sometimes they're worth the support, and all that blood boiling pays off, and honestly, nothing comes close to the feeling of a crazy Pakistani match. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

17) If you're not Pakistani,
associated to Pakistan in any way or form, nor a Cricket lover, then i have managed to waste your time. Give yourself a pat on the back for still keeping up with my stupidity and continuing to read this.

18) Good times eventually come.
      Honestly, this comes from experience. Just as not all bad times stay, good moments are just around the corner, keep believing, because thats half the work.

19) Buy a lot more stationery than you need.
      It genuinely helps, especially when you're desperately looking for staple pins, the whole pack, of 500, but then you stumble upon the cutest bunch of paper clips that you never knew existed, let alone being buried under the pile of might-needs in your handy dandy drawer, you'll thank yourself later.

20) Food and a fortune.
      I don't spend too much money on food, mostly because i can survive on orange juice and skinny fries for 5 days, that's another thing that I fainted the day after i landed back from the trip where i couldn't find any halal food, but let's ignore that. So where was i?
Yes, you'll thank yourself finding that paper clip, because you wont remember the fancy Nandos meal at that time. Wait, but it could've made for a nice Photo!

21) Hug Your Parents.
      I'm guilty of ignoring, or being mean, rough or harsh, but in my defence, thats just my tone. But in all honesty, they're the pair i know i can always rely on, no matter what. That they'll always be there around me, and that they always have my back, and that i always have a shoulder to cry on when i'm happy or sad. Im honestly so blessed, and the more i grow up, the more i realise the sacrifices they've made, in order to give me and my siblings what we have and what we are today, so Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah for having the most wackiest, coolest, mostly understanding and the most annoying set of parents, ever.

22) The Big Shadi Questions.
      The worst kind of questions dawn upon your pretty bubble of adulthood horizons, the moment you leave your teens.
*Shudders*
Unless the person is honest, caring, loyal, respectful, understanding, has a pretty personality, somewhat taller than your midget-self, not a fat cow, knows how to use CAD and has a good grasp over Adobe suite, because these nasty photoshop renders knock the living daylights out of you, knows how to cook, clean, wash, feed himself and the existing family, doesn't drink Chai or wants bloody gol rotis, AND is a man of faith, who probably doesn't exist-
till then, work on being the best version of yourself, a strong independent woman, who tackles mondays by the necks and carries on with her life.

I'm not sure if anything makes sense, at all, but hey if it did, then it probably wouldn't have been written by me.

I'm not sure what the year and life ahead holds, and how it will pan out, but what i do know, is that growing up is absolutely miserable, it's scary and daunting, and it shows you pretty little stars during the day, but, it's also pretty exciting, with people who make you smile, who teach you life lessons, and things beyond your control, both crazy good and bad, that reaffirm your faith and things you believe in, it's crazy. But it's life.

And sometimes, once in a while, along the way, stand and stare at the person you've become, and the journey and the pathway that you took, and the lessons that you've learnt, and trust me, you'll smile, and realise your strength, and maybe that's what life is about, finding your strengths, bit by bit, when you need them the most.
Amusing yourself with hidden talents,
uncovering when the time is right.

And i know we will.
That's what we do best.
Learn.

Till next time,

Love,
-Sanna.